Me, four months after brain surgery 2.0, jumping in the air while waiting in line to ride Space Mountain. – Disneyland, May 2009
Me, four months after brain surgery 2.0, jumping in the air while waiting in line to ride Space Mountain. – Disneyland, May 2009

The last MRI of my brain was on February 24. A week after that I had a shoulder surgery. I went six weeks without Temodar chemo (as opposed to the routine 4 weeks) because of the surgery, and then last month Temodar was pushed forward a week due to a low platelet count.

Why am I recounting all this information?

In order for Temodar to make an impact you must keep a minimum level of it in your body. I experienced a success with 12 months on the drug before February 24. And now, on May 19 I will have an MRI which will determine if my slight adjustments in the drug schedule have messed with me. I am sure I am fine.

But then there is the part of me that breaths in and prepares myself for possible bad news. I think, “I am so busy with work right now, how could I get by if I had to go in for radiation five days a week?”

But then again, remember when I got diagnosed in the first place? And had to stop working completely? And then I lost my job and my friends had to raise money just so I could pay COBRA to continue my medical coverage? Remember all that crazy not knowing-ness of what I had? Remember when the Dr. House of Kaiser thought I could either have the early stages of multiple sclerosis or brain cancer–and I was actually hoping for multiple sclerosis? It’s disgusting to wish for one disease over another. There is no good disease. There is no “good” cancer.

I am cranky from working late today. I am now working six day weeks (and late two nights a week) thanks to the primary election in California. I am tired. Did I mention my car battery died last week leaving me stranded after hours at work?

Whatever. I have brain cancer and I can handle anything.

This time last year I was four months out from my second brain surgery and I was at Disneyland–just happy to be alive. I try to remember how that felt when I have days like this.