Back to work anxiety
I started back to work on Monday and had a great day, however, Tuesday was not so good.
It could be that what upset me was really nothing and I am just more sensitive now than I used to be. It could be because I hadn't worked for four months and I was finally returning to the new job I started just the week before all this brain stuff began and I was anxious. Or I could have gotten upset more easily than usual because I now take anti-seizure medication that messes with the brain.
If I was at my old job I'd feel very comfortable because the people I worked with were like family to me. They made me feel safe. All the women there looked after me like a daughter or a little sister.
But now here I am at the brand new job that I have been away from for four months. I really love the idea of this job. I love what I will be doing. I love the opportunity here and the environment I am in. I am excited.
But Tuesday was weird. Without going into too much detail that doesn't really matter, I was brought into a meeting and some comments were made that hurt my feelings. I don't think these comments were made to hurt me on purpose, but they were unfair and cut to the root of everything I have anxiety for in regard to returning to work with cancer and a new job. (BTW: Only a few people know I have cancer, and none of them were at this meeting.)
Specifically what was said that hurt me was this: referring to the previous graphic design and branding specialist, someone said, "I wish Tyler were still here."
When Brett picked me up at 3:30 p.m. I was sad. (I work a shortened schedule due to the economy, and I was picked up because I am not allowed to drive with a seizure disorder due to the previously referenced brain cancer.)
I told Brett about the day and I cried about it. I didn't like that I was crying and it was only my second day back (and seventh day working for the company). Later in the evening I talked to my friend Shannon who works with me and she cleared some things up for me that made me feel not as bad.
After going to bed I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and couldn't get back to sleep right away. I started thinking about the tone of the meeting and I agonized about returning thinking more people must be wishing it was Tyler who was here and not me. I know this is all ridiculous, but at 3 in the morning it's hard to reason with yourself and get back to sleep.
